New pronouns found

Scientists this week have announced the discovery of a previously unsuspected family of words in the English language: non-gender-specific, third-person singular pronouns. “At first, we thought they were just an aberrant form of the common third person plural,” one spokesperson stated, “and when we realized it wasn’t, we just started chuckling… all of is in the lab, just chuckling away.”

Theorists have long posited the existence of such a class of pronouns, citing examples from other languages, but until recently the evidence was sketchy at best. During the past century no less than 5 separate reports have been made of sightings, but none have withstood popular scrutiny. Some worry that the most recent announcement will also prove overly optimistic. “No way,” our on-site correspondent says, “This time, they have done it.”

The newly discovered pronouns – thay, thair, tham, and thamself – differ from previously reported examples because these are words people are already using. “People are already doing the correct thing. The average person already uses these words without even realizing what thay are doing. Thay may not be spelling these words quite right, but the standard American reads them and says them.”

Scientists recommend that everyone update thair spell checker to accept these useful words. “If you are using a hard-copy dictionary,” a government auditor says, “then write these words in there yourself.” Expect to hear these words – thay, thair, tham, and thamself – coming from the mouths of celebrities. “Eventually even the dullest Americans will be saying things like ‘My friend is gonna loan me thair car, if thay can’t give me a ride thamself,’ but look to the hip people to be first to get this right.”

“I’m going to make the change immediately,” the lab spokesperson says, “I’m going to buy my kid a new dictionary, too. I want tham to learn the language right.”