I feel like I've forgotten something. Huh. Yes, my glasses are on my face. Yes, I am wearing my trousers. (Though, really, I guess that doesn't matter. I mean, you can't see me, can you? I never thought of it that way before. I guess I don't need to be so obsessive about writing only after I have carefully styled my hair, shaved my face, and picked the green bits out of my teeth.) Yes, I have a bowl of... oh, shoot! I forgot about the popcorn in the microwave. Bummer. I guess it's okay, though: there's been a stench like something burning for the last few minutes. Maybe it's the neighbors setting fire to their trash again. Not very appetizing.
So I've been training to become a supertasker. Only 2% of the people, the experts say, can actually handle...
Hey! I heard this joke. This guy sits down in a barber's chair and says, "I want a haircut." The barber says, "You need to remove your ear buds."
Oh oh oh! Did I tell you I finally found my missing checkbook?!? It has been in my camera bag for the past 5 months, I guess. This is going to save me from a lot of black glares: every time I have to create my own "I, Carly" checks with crayons and scraps of paper, the checkout line behind me gets kinda restless.
As part of my supertasker training, I'm now eating with utensils in my left hand... which leaves my right hand free to shoo away the dog. I wish I knew why he has suddenly started sitting under my chair at meal times. Eating with the wrong hand is supposed to give your brain a good workout; it is also proposed, for some reason, as a dieting strategy.
So the guy tells the barber, "But if I remove my ear buds, I'll die. You need to trim around them." The barber shrugs and starts cutting.
I just finished installing a 3rd stereo in my car. I'm no longer stuck with only music and an audiobook: now I can listen to traffic reports, too. It'd be nice, though, if I could also listen to my foreign language lessons and modern physics lectures at the same time and really take advantage of my commute time. Did I already tell you that I'm working my way up to Matrix-level learning? "I know kung fu." Oh, right, seeing "The Matrix" is a prerequisite for reading the column today. I forgot to mention that. If you're lucky, you're already watching the movie while you're reading this.
Hey, I found the dog's leash, too. I guess I put it with the Christmas lights. Which reminds me... suspenders do not make a good leash substitute, unless you're working with a dog trained for the Canine X-games or filming for "America's Funniest Home Videos." Though it is kinda fun on a steep hill if you wear inline roller skates and the dog is blindfolded.
After a while, the barber thinks the guy is asleep, so he pulls out the ear buds. Everything is fine for a minute or two, only then the guy turns blue and falls to the floor, dead.
Oh, yeah! I found a great audience gag the other day. By accident. At the podium I started to say "Good morning," but I forgot what time of day it was. So my greeting came out "Good morn... Good eve...
Though even none of them will admit it, I know that one of my kids pulled a clever prank on me last week. Leaving a pot of beans boiling on the stove, Rock Band 2 paused on the Wii, and the hermit crab cage half-cleaned, I ran downstairs to move the laundry along. When I opened the washing machine, it was empty. The only thing in there was the strong scent of bleach: not a single garment. I've known that machine to snack on a sock or two, but I figured that if it was hungry enough to eat them all, I was not putting my arm in there. After poking the washer drum with a stick and searching the surrounding area, I found the clothes exactly where they had started. I had to laugh. One of my kids really got me by pulling the white load back out of the washer after I started it running. The best trick -- which I still haven't figure out -- was getting those clothes completely dry so quickly.
Here's a fun little exercise: while you're solving a Sudoku puzzle, choose a random 7 digit number and determine the minimum nonzero offset, positive or negative, to a prime number. I think this actually started as a drinking game at MIT.
This supertasker training is tough on the brain, though. I've overheated mine a few times. Here is a tip for you: if you start hearing an otherwise unexplained boiling sound, you should eat an entire half gallon of ice cream -- preferably Denali Moose Tracks -- really quickly. Ignore the ice cream headache as best you can... this pain is actually your gain. One other tip: even if it seems like a good idea, never ever put Icy Hot or Ben Gay in your ears. The makers of those products are looking out for your best interests with their printed warnings. Believe me, that is not a cooling sensation anyone will appreciate.
At the library the other day I found, as I approached checkout, that I had misplaced my library card. After retracing all my path, I found the card in my hand. How embarrassing! But for that whole visit, including the search, I didn't drop a single juggling pin or fall off my unicycle.
So the barber listens to what's playing in the ear buds and hears, "Breathe in... breathe out... breathe in... breathe out..."
I figure that a supertasker is a kind of superhero. Why else would they give it that name? So that's why I've started wearing a cape. With trousers, though: those colorful tights might look stunning, but they run really short on pocket space. Do they make cargo tights?
Oh, I remember what I wanted to say this whole time. I wanted to remind everyone -- and this is very important -- do not wait until the last minute to get your income tax forms turned in. You do not want to risk being late. Me, I'm hoping to start gathering my 2009 paperwork together tonight.
- While typing this, I.J. was also working on three other tasks at the same time: cleaning his gutters, spreading humus and manure in his vegetable garden, and baking some yummy brownies.
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